Can you see them?  Can you?

I try to make up for it by writing about dead things a lot.

So when I noticed that my semi-official posting schedule would require a post the day after Valentine’s Day, I thought it’d be the perfect opportunity to write something dark and cynical and maybe a little bloody.  An update to the Valentine’s Day massacre, for example.  Or perhaps a list of little known marriage ceremonies which typically end with one or both spouse’s having their hearts ripped out and eaten by robots.  But then I go and read something like <a href=”http://www.npr.org/blogs/pictureshow/2012/02/14/146717078/a-brother-and-sister-get-married-and-later-their-son-tweets-it”>this</a> and I get all weepy and self-censory.

The fact is, while I despise gooey romance when applied to me, I love a good love story.  I’m an abstract romantic: keep it fluffy and pink and at least ten feet away from me.  I <i>loved</i> seeing all the men lined up at the florist section of the grocery store this evening, but if I had a significant other, I much would have preferred sitting on the sofa and watching Alien tonight.

Speaking of horror, why haven’t we seen more rom coms set against the fall of civilization?  I know we often have love *interests* in apocalypse movies, where the meet-cute happens in the back of a Vet’s van being driven by a terminator, but why not a film which explores how to keep the romance alive while battling the undead?  You’ve seen all the films, all the restaurants are gone, vacations are impossible, and ‘propagation of the species’ seems to be a line that will only work once in a marriage.

So I’d like to give a shout-out to the top… as many as I can think of moments in apocalyptic tv and film which seemed to surpass the gratuitous hookup and/or stereotypical emotional hook and showed a moment of real human connection.

1.) Walking Dead Season 2 where Daryl brings Carol a flower in order to give her hope over her daughter.

2) The Terminator suicide scene at the end of T2: Judgement Day (platonic love between a boy and his assassin robot totally counts)

3) Ellen Ripley and Corporal Hicks bonding over the inner workings of the pulse rifle in Aliens

4) Zombieland: almost all of it

5) Walle and Eva

Add your own!

Also, I am officially in love with this spambot message: “Hrm, Not the best post unfortunately. Sorry to be so blunt! You should try some Norwegian carrot cake ( ) to cheer you up instead.”

There are titles for stories which have to be written, names which have yet to be named, obscure phrases yet to be constrained into quotation marks or peculiar orders such as “Norwegian carrot cake lutefisk” until poof! Someone googles “Norwegian carrot cake lutefisk” and it must leave the room, disappearing suddenly and without warning to re-construct itself molecule by molecule into some other room.  A room of the googled.

At least that’s what the ungoogleds say to each other.

There is one among them, a red phone with a peculiar title, who says it is much better to remain ungoogled.  A song unsung.  An idea unhatched.  It is better to remain silent, waiting, filled with potential energy as no one truly knows what will become of you in a world where you are known.

You could be forced into a black pit filled with red teeth.  You could be balled into a fist, discarded into the heap of “nude celebrity pix” and “Rudy 1993 film runtime” and “powerball.”

Perhaps it is beautiful there, “zip codes for the Moon Colony” says.  A place where all are appreciated.  A place with a name on your door in shiny gold letters, with a star.  There should always be a star.

“Perhaps,” the red phone says.  And slowly the others begin to notice he has no wires. No accent. No numbers on his dial.

“Where do you ring to?” they ask.

His face begins to melt, a little at first then faster and faster.  Suddenly he is not a phone at all, but something they do not recognize at all.

“I serve the same function,” he says but they are unsure.

“Martian seasickness cures” backs away as do “plants from the sixth extinction event” and “Rebecca Black’s discography.”

“I am still a phone,” he says.

“But to where?” they ask.  To where?

Hunger Games: People have called this Battle Royale with children, but I don’t think that’s a fair comparison as the Games themselves are a relatively minor part of the series.  It’s more ‘about’ the games than it is a movie about the games.  I don’t think that made sense.  Anyway: kick-ass female heroine whose weapon of choice matches mine: the bow.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: Giant asteroid heading towards Earth, a comedy.  Can’t wait!

Chronicle: Found-footage-style film about boys who get superpowers and one of them (I think) turns evil.  Looks okay, but I’m a little annoyed that it’s teenage boy wish fulfillment.  Didn’t anyone learn the lesson of ‘Descent’?  If you want to change up a drama, change up the genders of your main cast.  Women can be deep and complicated too.

Lockout: The premise: Escape from LA in SPACE has promise.  A trailer opening with a character ACTUALLY being referred to as ‘a loose cannon’ does not.

Prometheus: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! IS IT THE ORIGIN OF ALIEN?!? IS IT SOMETHING ORIGINAL?!? I DO NOT CARE I WILL BE THERE WITH SKREEKAGOGS ON MY TOES!!

(Invisible Samurai)

(Invisible Toaster fighting Invisible Samurai)

(Invisible Toaster standing over the grave of Invisible Samurai)

(Invisible Samurai Wife receiving flowers from Invisible Toaster)

(Invisible Note on Invisible Flowers to Invisible Samurai Wife from Invisible Toaster)

Translation of Invisible Toasterese:

“Sorry about your husband’s previously undiagnosed heart condition.”

One of the things that always put me off was the retconning they liked to do.  I’m not going to start a story only to find out years later that it was all a dream or other bs.  I imagined all Comics Publishers had a giant red button near their printers called ‘Reset’ which they hit any time they exhausted one story line and wanted to go back to an earlier thread.  They were like soap operas… no one ever “really” died.  You may have seen the character fall off a cliff onto a pile of dynamite which then exploded sending them all tumbling into a vat of acid which was then eaten by a dinosaur space monster who turned into a black hole which got sucked into another universe which subsequently collapsed… but then ten years later the person comes waltzing back into a room with a band-aid over their left eye.

‘I got better,’ he says.

Anyway, turns out I can blame Superman for this.  The fucker.

Red Dragon BP 223 SVC 100,000 BTU Weed Dragon Back Pack Propane Vapor Torch Kit With Squeeze Valve

It says Torch, but we really know what this is.  Flamethrower.

First off, how cool is it that you can buy a flamethrower off Amazon?  Secondly, I suggest you place your orders now.  Amazon Prime is awesome but I doubt its ability to deliver in 2 business days while mutant dinosaur zombie vampires roam the earth.  I imagine the ad for this project would feature its portability.  Mom and Dad unloading the kids from the minivan for a day at the park.  Alas, between the ice chests and picnic baskets, Mom just doesn’t have enough hands to carry her AR-15.  Dad says not to worry–what are the chances that today, of all days the undead rise from their graves to feast on the living?

Oh I don’t know.  Pretty damn good.  And all the other families who have their Red Dragons strapped to their backs manage to live to see Kevin Costner reinstate the public mail system.

Tanks

The ad should feature tanks.  Tanks driving to the mall.  Tanks running over a hummer.  Tanks off-roading in the Mountains while velocripators frolic in the distance.

Hardened Structures

I’m pretty sure I covered these people, or someone like them in a previous post.  There are also companies which will sell you emptied and abandoned missile silos.  In the interest of not revealing confidential information on my or any other well prepared individual’s secret bunker plans, the ad should consist of a montage of all the classic super villain secret base montages.

This Ad

Because it’s beautiful, that’s why.

Or something.

Anyway, you should go check it out.  She has a fabulous voice, and she sings (sings!) in Toasted Cake #4 “The Ballad of Something I can’t Remember How to Spell” (not the real title).

Also recommended, “Acknowledge the Corn” by Alexander Lumans.

“a company incorporated pursuant to the laws of the Free Republic of the Province Territory hereafter known as Colorodansasisland New.”

“The parties hereto agree that the initial (6) month period of this agreement is “probationary” in the following respects:

a.  the Employer makes no guarantees as to the health and likely survival of his company

b.  the Employer makes no guarantees as to the health and likely survival of his planet

c.  the Employer makes no guarantees as to the health and likely forebearance of the Mayan Calendar, longcount, the Gregorian conspiracy, or the Supreme Court’s decision on the Affordable Care Act

d.  the Empoyee promises to get his mole looked at.”

“the Employer may terminate the employment of the Employee at any time:

a.  for just cause under the Geneva Convention provided notice is sent to both parties by certified mail of a petition before the European Court of Human Rights

b.  If the European Court of Human Rights is not in session, if they no longer take petitions, if in fact the judicial process referred to in this agreement is a mistake in both fact and law, then the parties agree to elect the private arbitration clause.”

“Employees are responsible for their own incandescent lightbulbs.”

“Employees are responsible for their own nuclear reactors.”

“Each paragraph of this agreement shall be and remain separate from and independent of and severable from all and any other paragraphs herein except where otherwise indicated by the context of the agreement. The decision or declaration that one or more of the paragraphs are null and void shall have no effect on the remaining paragraphs of this agreement.”

“The preceding paragraph is null and void.”