Reporter Abe Newman Reported Missing

By Editorial Staff of One World News

One World News is sad to report the disappearance of reporter Abe Newman. The paper would also like to take this opportunity to recant the story published earlier by Newman making false allegations against the United Nations and our friendly off-world collaborators. These insidious lies were only published because Newman hacked the paper’s website. Again, the Editorial staff denies all knowledge of Newman’s work. The views expressed in that article are not the views of One World News, its Editorial staff, affiliates, and/or subsidiaries.

Newman, 31, was rumored to be an alcoholic and a drug addict, and a compulsive liar. He was only kept on staff at the News out of the goodness of our loyal hearts and not, again, because we espouse his radical, rabble-rousing views. The Editorial staff has also received unconfirmed but probably true reports that Newman put the carton back in the fridge after drinking the last of the milk.

We will continue to search for our lost colleague, but just in case we don’t find him, a memorial service is being planned for Sunday at the One Church on Main Street. Luncheon to follow.


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