Reporter Abe Newman Reported Missing

By Editorial Staff of One World News

One World News is sad to report the disappearance of reporter Abe Newman. The paper would also like to take this opportunity to recant the story published earlier by Newman making false allegations against the United Nations and our friendly off-world collaborators. These insidious lies were only published because Newman hacked the paper’s website. Again, the Editorial staff denies all knowledge of Newman’s work. The views expressed in that article are not the views of One World News, its Editorial staff, affiliates, and/or subsidiaries.

Newman, 31, was rumored to be an alcoholic and a drug addict, and a compulsive liar. He was only kept on staff at the News out of the goodness of our loyal hearts and not, again, because we espouse his radical, rabble-rousing views. The Editorial staff has also received unconfirmed but probably true reports that Newman put the carton back in the fridge after drinking the last of the milk.

We will continue to search for our lost colleague, but just in case we don’t find him, a memorial service is being planned for Sunday at the One Church on Main Street. Luncheon to follow.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s