My Fellow Americaners,
My briefing memo on the unusual customs and practices of this, the United States of Earth, informed me that there is an annual tradition among the humans to play “practical jokes” and “pranks” on each other. Though my species has a great distaste for the consonant p, and thus any word that begins with that vile excuse for a glyph is instantly distrusted, it fell to me, the Cultural Ambassador, to attempt to “socialize” in such a way as to indicate my species’ fondness for humans and desire to assimilate them in our new world with minimum screaming. In a burst of grand magnanimosity, I thought it would be wise to partake of this celebration.
However, in the hours following the incident of which I will speak but little, it has been brought to my attention that I committed a few errors in my planning and execution. Out of the expanded breadth of my cardial tubing system, I would like to share the following lessons that I have learned:
- April Fool’s day begins on April 1. This makes sense now that I realize that the April in ‘April Fool’s’ means the month April and not the character from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
- If one cannot fully articulate the distinction between “prank” and “war crime”, then that person may not be the best choice for lead negotiator on the “Winning Back the Hearts of Our Neighbors: Alien Overlord Supercool Prank Team” and allow them unrestricted access to a paint ball supply store, the San Diego Zoo, and the blueprints for the Freemasons’ underground lair
- When one “borrows” the Statue of Liberty, it is generally expected that the Statue of Liberty will be returned in more or less the same shape, size, color, linguistic ability, and quantumly identifiable identification as before
- Releasing three pigs with the numbers ‘1, 2, and 4’ on them into a high school is clever. Updating this classic prank with flora and fauna native to one’s homeland is thoughtful. However, skreekagos should not be given equal doses of meth and steroids in the weeks leading up to this gratifying exploration of the merger of our two worlds.
- One should always protect the humans in case any of them turn out to be useful later on
Edited to add:
- Hamsters are not humans