Fresh Peaches, Robotics, and Guns

If you’re a Boy Scout, you can now earn a Robotics merit badge.  Learn to build your own girlfriend, a dalek, or perhaps a more efficient can opener.  And if you’re a Girl Scout you can… you can… sell cookies?

I was never a Brownie, a Cookie, a Cupcake or any other wilderness faring baked good.  But if I had decided, against my better judgement, to spend my Tuesday afternoons in the company of hyperactive do-gooders, you can bet that I would’ve been the one signing up for robot building lessons.  Or nuclear science.  But rather than learning to shoot with bows and arrows, I would apparently have been learning how to be a “horse fan“.  I know what they mean, but I can’t help but picture a horde of nine-year-olds in some barn stall with a palm frond waving it in an appaloosa’s face.

Where Boy Scouts have bugling, climbing, and engineering, the Girl Scouts get “Becoming a Teen”, “Caring for Children”, and “Finding your Way.”  Boys learn “art”, girls learn “art in the home” no doubt in order to emphasize the woman’s proper place.

Boys learn computing, electronics, and metalwork but girls get to “discover technology?”

Boys: Home Repair.  Girls: Sew Simple.

So while Tommy shoots guns out of his spaceship and repairs his own teeth and burst spleen, little Suzy sits in front of a mirror trying to Look [her] Best” but she can’t because she’s having too much Frosty Fun with a tub full of ice cream (she was told ‘The Choice is Yours’ at the clinic but according to her mother being a secretive slut is incompatible with a Healthy Relationship).

Okay I’ll stop.  Girl Scouts are actually  awesome.  They have a frackload of badges that could be interpreted any number of ways including developing complex zombie plans, building your own weapons, and temporarily seizing a small island country.  Not all troops are necessarily like the ones my friend Lee told me about where the “camping” was in an air conditioned cabin with modern plumbing and no one but the adults were allowed to touch the matches (girls, like bears, can’t be trusted with the secret to starting fire).

Language is important, but when there’s a broad spectrum of the types of personalities girls may have from Troop Beverly Hills girls to Shaving Their Heads for 10 Weeks in the Outback girls it is probably better to be vague.  And quite honestly, I’m probably more of the former than the latter so while I mock the Jeweler badge for its emphasis on vanity and adornment, you can bet your ass that I would’ve been at the table with my shepard’s hooks, rhinestones, and 20 gauge silver-plated, anti-tarnish wire.

I do want to build my own robot, but I don’t necessarily want to have to pee in the woods or learn about truck transportation.  With that in mind, and particularly in keeping with the theme of the blog, I propose that we (the internet) form a new organization: Apocalypse Scouts.

The goal of Apocalypse Scouts is to prepare the would-be survivalist for the alien invasion, the zombie uprising, or the sudden and inexplicable disappearance of chairs.  Badges would include learning to identify and quickly assemble a pack of necessary items should a sudden apocalypse occur, along with many other seemingly random but useful skills:

Sign language (because it’s really rather ignorant of zombie films to think that at least one deaf person wouldn’t survive)

Hummer repair (like car repair only bigger and more environmentally unfriendly)

Hummer hotwiring (like regular car hotwiring only you have to learn to dodge gun fire… because lets face it, Hummer owners probably have guns)

Shooting, Archery, Knife fighting, Harpooning (zombie whales), Scared-Fu (like kung-fu only you learn to do it while running from the unmentionable horrors of the deep)

Tin Foil Hat Design

Robot Parlay (in case Robots, like Pirates, develop and abide by a code of ethics kept by Keith Richards)

Standing

67 Card Games Guaranteed to Entertain You and Your Bunkermates

(Related) 8 Ways to Kill Someone with the Ace of Spades

(Related) 10 Ways to Kill Someone with a Queen of Diamonds

And VCR repair.

Anti-Alien Bill

By wire report

The semi-Free States of Colorado passed a bill today banning “illegal aliens”.  A spokesman for the state legislature stated that illegal aliens are “a threat to our security, our livelihood, and our national culture.”

The bill, which passed by a 37 to 2 vote, declares that all illegal aliens currently living in the state of Colorado will be detained indefinitely until such time as they can be deported.  It charges the state’s police force and national guard to enforce the bill.

Critics of the bill point out that the language is ambiguous as to the term “alien”.

“Do they mean like, Mexicans?  Or like, the big squid things?” local farmer Ted Barron questioned.

This is not the first anti-alien bill the Colorado state legislature has passed.  In the weeks following the invasion Colorado passed many measures aimed at curbing the influence of our new, benevolent neighbors.  Though many were later struck down by the Supreme Tribunal of Justice, the hardy legislators keep on trying.

WOLVERINES!

Landmark Case Changes Definition of “Adverse” Possession

A decision from the Great Protector’s Supreme Tribunal of Justice will have sweeping effects on property law in Section 12, formerly known as the United States. The Tribunal declared that Janet White and Angela Baker, who took possession of a new bunker by kicking out the former tenant, have a legal claim to the property. John Newman, the displaced bunkerowner, sued the two women after repeated attempts at repossession failed. White and Baker claimed that they now own the bunker under the theory of adverse possession.

Prior to the arrival of our Protectors, adverse possession only transferred ownership of a property after new occupants had been there for a specified amount of time, usually around ten years. “Adverse” simply meant that the previous owner did not approve of the new residents, usually because he or she didn’t know about them. Today’s ruling holds that “adverse” can mean openly hostile, even violent, to the former owner.

“Transfers of ownership are made automatically when a new occupant proves herself or himself superior to the former occupant by taking possession of the property in question,” said the Tribunal. “The methods employed in taking possession may include violence.”

Bobbie Pratt, of Pratt & Witt, LLP, served as defense attorney for White and Baker. “This holding is in keeping with the laws of the interstellar empire of which Earth is now fortunate enough to be a member,” said Pratt. “We are grateful that the Tribunal is bringing our world in line with their system of true justice that rewards strength, independence, and social utility.” Neither Newman nor his attorney, Adam Blackacre, could be located for comment.

The Tribunal denied rumors that it ruled against Mr. Newman because of his cousin Abe’s recent news posts. The Tribunal and the Council of Protectors urge citizens not to believe, repeat, or otherwise further these allegations.

White and Baker are currently seeking a third roommate. Their ad can be found on Craigthazar’s List.

Two Farmers Without Internet Encounter Their First Skreekagog

Bob, I know you’s a little upset but I don’t think you should poke at it like that.

I know what I’m doing.

All evidence to the contrary, Bob. 

I’m good with animals.

Don’t want to sound like a broken record here, Bob.

It’s probably more scared of us than we are of it.

Certainly hides it well.

If we can just get it onto its back, its legs probably aren’t limber enough to balance quickly… and if we can get it to chomp down on a half dozen watermelons, and lash down its tail, and maybe wrap some burlap around those claws–

Right behind, ya, Bob.

And maybe some tranquilizers can get it to stop hissing–

Sure thing, Bob.  Just one question?

Yeah?

How you gonna do all that with just the one remaining limb?

Don’t right know, Bob.  Don’t right know.

Jenny’s meta-editorial note: Amateurs.

Passive Voice Conquers Earth

By Abe Newman

I would like to note that news of my execution has been greatly exaggerated. But what else can you expect from overlord-controlled press?

It is fair to say that mistakes were made. Memos were sent. Spaceships were toured. Meetings were held. Concessions were made. Journalists were forced into hiding and have to publish their stories using a DIAL UP INTERNET CONNECTION.

We need to wake up, people!!! ALIENS INVADED EARTH! Subject, verb, object. We got slammed by active voice and there wasn’t a damn thing any institution, organization, United Democratic Republican States of MY ASS could do about it!!!

I would like to VERB some alien NOUN with my bare hands!* WHO’S WITH ME???

*and possibly a weapon of some kind

Secrets

Little Jenny carefully picked through the partially digested remains of a skreekagog.  Somewhere there was a password–the twit had swallowed it and now its skreekagog fur and limbs and entrails were staining the floor.  Not her skreekagog, of course, but a meaner, nastier, uglier skreekagog named Admiral Fluffybutt.

Jenny hadn’t liked Admiral Fluffybutt, nor its human: a simpering girl of 15 who had just begged and begged her parents to get her a cute and fluffy alien like Jenny’s.  This other girl hadn’t deserved to be called Jenny.  Skinnyratface.  That was her proper name.

Jenny’s skreekagog–not the one named Admiral Fluffbutt but the one who also belonged to a girl named Skinnyratface–err–Jenny. Eff it.

Jenny stopped monloguing in her head–

Jenny–

Twitter has ruined my ability to speak English... she thought–

Dammit.