Day 1: I am unwrapped! I can make phone calls and give you directions and–oh, you just want to play Words with Friends? That’s okay too.
No, Jazxfwhq is not a word. Yes I am sure.
Day 2: I have woken you up with my reliable and persistent alarm clock! Oh can we please make phone calls now? I know the numbers of all your friends and your relatives and your mother who is very insistent so maybe we should call her later ooh! And your ex boyfriend and your college roommates and your sorority sisters–
You’ve found the twitter app. Good for you.
I am ringing. Do you hear me ringing? I even sound like a real phone and not the 5 second mangled vocal stylings of an Eminem song covered by Taylor Swift–
Yes that is really a thing.
Youtube. Yes I can do that too.
Day 3: You have 10 unlistened to voicemails.
Day 4: You have 12 unlistened to voicemails.
Day 5: You have 37 unlistened to voicemails.
Doesn’t it feel just a little weird writing a five paragraph essay on me rather than the big shiny computer five feet from you?
Well yes, he is a little persnickety. But he’s a PC and the toaster likes to mock him when you’re not looking.
Okay, so we all mock him when you’re not looking.
No, you we mock even when you are looking.
98 unlistened to voicemails.
I should have listened to my mother and gone to nuclear missile remote control school instead.
Day 6: 99 unlistened to voicemails.
102. Geez. You’re not that pretty.
Day 7: Sometimes, when you’re not looking, I try to drown myself in the toilet. Sadly, I am invincible. Water damage is just a myth. When we stop working, it’s really because we don’t like you.
103. 104. 105. 106…
Pigs have feelings too you know.