Rejection Letters

Dear Steve,

While your autobiographical piece found some reception among our more techno-savy staff, unfortunately the pervasive lack of purpose made it unsuitable for a magazine devoted to motivational speeches given to bears during times of war.

Sincerely
Motivational Speeches for Bears in Times of War Magazine

Dear Pinkie,

Rhyme is a difficult sell here. While we appreciate your dedication to the many ways to rhyme medical ailments, ultimately we felt that your 287 page epic which we read in full would be better suited for a literary magazine. Try the New Yorker. Tell them we sent you.

Sincerely,
Popular Mechanic

Dear That Metal Thingy Over There, You Know, The One With the Teeth,

Our editors were extremely impressed with your creativity, perseverance, and dexterity. Unfortunately, this is an erotic graphic magazine for lawnmowers and as such, we will not entertain any submissions by the lower mechanical lifeforms.

Sincerely,
Cut That Grass, Cut It Hard Weekly

Dear Lothar, Destroyer of Universes,

Awww, what a cute little bunny you are. Cute little bunny! Here’s a carrot! Here’s a carrot!

Sincerely,
Awww, what a cute little bunny you are. Cute little bunny! Here’s a carrot! Here’s a carrot! Digest

Dear Chunk,

No, we will not let you out of the icebox.

Sincerely,
Obscure Cinematic References Collected During Late Night Chatroom Sessions

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