Aww… civilization has returned: children play soccer on a farm in the woods. Granted, some of these kids get handed over to the skitters every couple of days but them’s the brakes.
Jimmy doesn’t trust Ben, because apparently these writers have interpreted children’s detestation for all things different as ‘Children will be inherently suspicious of evidence of the other children’s slavery and torture.’ These kids have been portrayed as victims since the beginning. What, are the other kids jealous that Ben and Dreadlocks got to play in the mines and they didn’t? They’ve done some hand waving that the others are worried that the kids have somehow switched sides and this interpretation makes sense for Dreadlocks, but not for Ben. And it only makes sense when Dreadlocks acts strangely not when he just walks around with scars on his back.
Anyway, so one of the Farm girls is in love with Hal because anyone with ovaries instantly melts whenever he is in the vicinity. Her father notes the attraction and we get the alien invasion update of ‘He’s not good enough for you’ as ‘Remember we’re going to feed them to the skitters in a couple of days, so don’t get too attached… One night stands only for my little girl!’ only in much less nuanced dialog.
The writers hit their Mopey mopes quota early as 2nd Mass Fighters show up without the Professor.
Later Hal and New Set of Ovaries are in the kitchen. Hal complains about vegetables, no doubt because vegetables are phallic and any indication that Hal is not 1001891% heterosexual will foil the writers’ plans of throwing even MORE females in his direction.
I’m about to turn this episode off for good when we finally get to Pope–aka the only remotely interesting person in the entire series. Pope makes some crack about the way they’re cooking the asparagus and I can now confidently diagnose him with a full blown case of Noah Wyle disease. See, Pope is a chef so every third line will have to be related to the development of genetically engineered agricultural products and the ways to salt them. Soon every character on the show will be reduced to wearing white t-shirts with black words emblazoned upon their chests:
PROFESSOR
COOK
NOT GAY
MOPEY, PREGGY AND DOC-BUT-ONLY-A-PEDIATRICIAN-WITH-WEAKY-LADY-PARTS who will no doubt form their own grunge band on Alpha Centauri when they realize they want more from their life than out of season vegetables and marching bunions.
So COOK and EVIL GRAY HAIRED TRAITOR MAN have a conversation recapping the whole ‘This farm is an evil ruse to give children to the skitters even though that is so illogical even Pope, sorry, COOK didn’t think of it. There’s more awkward conversation and the reveal that PoOK killed OVARIES’ Daddy’s Brother. Why is that important? Why so Pope can reveal he cut him way out of his handcuffs to bake a cake out of hay and broken glass! Oh no, I’m sorry, he just cut the rope and now beats other white dude unconscious but doesn’t kill him because the writers have finally figured out Pope is the only interesting person on the show and we can’t have any moral quandaries about our electing him President of the World in two episodes.
Back at the school, a distinct lack of skitter attacks have made everyone nervous. Weaver wants to know when Preggy is about to pop, because it makes total sense that she stayed behind with the fighters and imminent danger rather than walk to the nice secluded farm in the woods with the others. She randomly asks Weaver if he has children… why? I have no idea. The line comes out of absolutely effing nowhere. I mean that as literally as literally can mean while bastardizing the word’s meaning and substitution for figuratively: Weaver asks Preggy when she’s due, some response about 2 days ago, Weaver turns around and then:
Hey, do you have any children?
It would have been less random if she had asked ‘Hey, do you know how to take the derivative of an asymptotic integral?’ Or something.
So Weaver reveals he has two daughters and the entire writing staff breathes a great sigh of relief that their careful and systematic placement of 18,000 clues every episode have finally paid off.
Back at the farm, everyone sits down for a civilized meal. Dreadlocks sits awkwardly because he is now AWKWARD SKITTER MAN. He refuses to eat–no doubt a hunger strike until someone gets a decent line somewhere.
RELIGION discovers a backpack that doesn’t belong and is now SUSPICIOUS GIRL. Maybe there’ll be a Nancy Drew spinoff, which is actually worth watching as RELIGIOUS SUSPICIOUS GIRL investigates tales of haunted alien ships which turn out to be really fancy fog machines. She goes to find Hal and finally three people have a logical conversation:
Suspicious backpack that shouldn’t be here + sentries on the farm and stores but no one watching the Skies or roads = SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT. Only Dreadlocks’ father is an adult AND black and therefore the writers have forced him to down a bottle of stupid pills. “I’ve known this guy for 6 months. I believe everything he says.”
Fortunately as soon as he has no more lines to speak, TOKEN reclaims some dignity and starts investigating. He finds… a chair where Pope was being held plus more clothing. Oh and a guy with a gun.
GRAY HAIR tells the story: we gave the skitters a child and they stopped attacking for a week. Apparently the skitters have a quota and GRAY HAIR has a dream of ensconcing himself in the new alien consumerist economy. Dreadlocks’ father turns around to show his deep, moral turbulence.
Back at school, Preggy is finally in labor. She reveals that the father is a sperm donor and she has the worst timing imaginable since six weeks after conception, you know, aliens. I would try to accuse the writers of making some backhanded argument about unnatural family units and the apocalypse, but really that would be giving them too much credit.
At the farm, Token is still conflicted. But Gray thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to let him walk around on his own instead of sequestering him to prevent the most inevitable result: Token reveals everything to the kids and they try to escape. Ovaries betrays them because being handed over to the enemy to work as slaves is a fitting punishment for getting dissed by a boy.
There’s a shootout, Dreadlocks clearly doesn’t want to leave. He continues his refusal to do or say anything until he gets a better script, and truly I admire him for it. Stick to your guns, Dreads!
Meanwhile, Professor has learned that the map is wrong, the escorts aren’t back, and Weaver refuses to believe anything that isn’t written on paper.
Elsewhere, the kids have holed up in a house. Ben wants to go out and look for help because he is Super Pushup and Jump Rope boy now and is incapable of fatigue.
Back in the maternity ward, after “a few hours” the baby still hasn’t come, and Preggy is shocked,SHOCKED I tell you because she KNOWS she is in a TV show and TV babies never take more than 15 minutes to deliver. Doc reveals it’s a breach and this is the most DIRE DIAGNOSIS IN THE WORLD. Especially because Doc has to point out that she is neither an OBGYN nor a SURGEON. Because apparently doctor school is so specialized that you learn no other medical skills while there. And since we all know Pediatricians are the lowest of the low specialties, the only thing we’re sure that Doc knows is lollipop dispersals.
“But,” blonde remembers, “You deharnessed those kids,”
“Yeah with a blow torch”
Which, lets admit, would make the most awesome C-section on the face of the earth. Unfortunately Weaver steps in to assist since as a soldier and a man and participant in one home birth this one time with the daughter we finally got to mention and now will mention repeatedly, he has more experience in delivering babies than the licensed medical professional.
Back at the giant house, the kids have been found by Gray Hair’s men. They all line up at the front of the house because no one went to Police ‘Where Bad Guys Escape Through the Back Door’ school. Of course these kids are too stupid to actually run out the back, so they get to watch as Noah Wyle gives himself up and then tells all the kids to come outside where they are then SURROUNDED BY MEN WITH GUNS. Professor say “First Rule is to Survive.” Umm. Okay. I thought first rule was to run when you can and let Pope and Professor take out the men with guns from behind, but whatever.
So now everyone is back at the farm like a big happy family and the kids are locked in the stable OH where Weaver and everyone else has been hiding. Well that was almost smart since now they can raid the farm for supplies and guns. Ben is now one-of-the-non-slaved-and-tortured and Pope is receiving medical attention next to a crying baby (delivered ‘mostly by Weaver’ to further demystify the medical profession and the abilities of women everywhere).
There’s a burial for Dreadlocks’ dad and Professor gives us a lecture about Taps, a bugle song from the Civil War because it’s been at least 5 minutes before the Professor got to Professicate about anything and the world is in danger of exploding.
Then Religion girl pulls out piano music and sings while Dreadlocks gets handed a flag and he looks sullen and unmoved. He doesn’t understand how people could kill each other. Because he apparently is not human at all, despite being all bipedal and covered in skin and stuff.
after ever after 