Look guys, we’ve come too far to back out now. Ever since we all got together in my mom’s basement and watched a bootleg VHS copy of The Craft I stole from my boyfriend’s sister and we all realized deep down in our souls that we were all natural witches, we’ve been here for each other, our gods and goddesses, and our employee discounts at Hot Topic.
We’ve all made commitments to this group. Becky, you died your hair black even though black isn’t a good look for your skin tone and makes you look like a leukemia patient because you knew that we all had to have synchronicity of appearance to channel the potent healing energy of the dead deer skull we found last week. Do the rest of you even understand what a big deal that is? Hair doesn’t grow fast enough for people to not notice how ugly she is. If we break up now, she’ll have to shave her head and no one will want to talk to her.
I know you’re all scared and a little disturbed by what we all saw. Even though The Vampire Diaries totally gets deep, romantic love that spans the centuries, and we hoped The Secret Circle would make huge strides in the positive portrayal of pagans, we were wrong. Betrayed. Our hopes were beaten like two egg yolks mixed to form a really sad, sad omelet. We were the victims of witch-prejudice. That show inflicted vile, vile crimes upon us by creating unrealistic expectations of what real wiccans can do with their harnessed spiritual awakenings and community of spirit. I can’t light up light bulbs by channeling energy through open electrical wires and that’s just dangerous. I could die if I tried. Which is why I didn’t when Steve dared me.
He’s all, ‘Hey if you’re a real witch why don’t you call up a monsoon and get our classes cancelled,’ and I’m all ‘Hey we have a spiritual bond with nature which transcends the physical realm.’
He doesn’t get us. I think we should exclude him from our gatherings from now on and I’m not just saying that because I caught him and Becky making out in the pantry during the commercial break. He is toxic energy and that’s not what we need right now.
We need to heal, as a coven and as friends.
Becky, you are just like the mean brunette girl in ‘The Secret Circle’ and I don’t just say that because your nose is slightly crooked like hers, but because you think power is something that you have that only you can use and you can just walk right over people on your way to their soul mates and bewitch them with your leukemia skin and slutty ‘power of three’ innuendos. We love you Becky, and we care about bringing you back to the world of the light.
You know our patron Helena Bonham Carter as Morgana La Fey from the 1998 Merlin tv-mini series would agree with us. She’s smart. And British.
So for the good of the group, I think you should tell Steve you have herpes and can’t see him anymore. Tell him you fell in love with your now sentient “lady appliances” and the thought of having to put up with his garlic breath makes you sick. And also he smells. Bad. And you’re no longer interested in men. Because you’re a skank-ho.
Also, and I’ve been doing a lot of meditation on this guys, I think we should try watching The Secret Circle again. It’s wrong to judge others based on a few measly episodes. Plus I totally understand how Cassie must feel: all this power welling up inside her and nothing but back-stabbing bitches standing in her way.