Exit Interview with Admiral Kaplanalalalalalalalalax

Is it true that you are leaving?

Yes.  We plan to withdraw 200,000 of our kind within the next 24 hours.

Aren’t there only 150,000 of you here now?

Yes.  We plan on bringing in another 50,000–let them mill around a bit, and then we’ll all leave together. 

And then you’ll all be gone?

Yes.  Well, most of us.  I imagine a few will like to stay–gotta see how Lost ends afterall.

Lost is over.

We have been watching it on Netflix.

We can send you with some DVDs.

Yeah but what’s the fun in that?  Then there’s BSG, TNG, BTVS, S60, WW, 3RFTS, DW, E, F, GHIQKRLSJJKFSJJFLSDL…

Is that why you came here in the first place?  To watch our TV shows?

Maybe.

Wouldn’t it have been easier to grab the signal from… I don’t know.  Space?

Yes.  That would have been easier.

Then why…

DRM.

Any favorite moments from the occupation?

Disneyworld.  The Lincoln bedroom. White House Egg hunt for Skreekagog eggs, many of which hatched unexpectedly during the festivities.  The sounds of children screaming in terror is my new ringtone.

Speaking of, past residents of the White House have chosen to redecorate many of the rooms in order to ‘leave their mark’.  Did you or your… fellow occupants complete any renovation projects during your stay?

Well, I don’t mean to brag… but there were 35 bathrooms when we entered.

And now?

Two.

Supertoilets take up a lot of space.

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The Cultural Alien Ambassador Anticipates the Fireworks Display of this Once Future Holiday

For Post Dated Release from the Office of Cultural Annihilation Eradication Subsumation Appreciation

It has fallen to me to intelligenate my fellow colleagues of certain irregular practices among the human colonists during their holidays.

This press briefing was supposed to be scheduled for July 1, in advancement of the explosions but I spent the time reading the Wikipedia as preparation for my Jeopardy audition.  I think I stand at good chances.  I now know the plot summary for all the Jersey Shore episodes and can name all current and former Federal Open Market Committee members in reverse alphabetical order.

My assistant tells me to get on with it.

As everyone knows, Americans enjoy celebrating American Independence and other British failures.  In addition to improving home design reality TV shows and comedy sitcoms–

My assistant would like to add he thinks the Office is funnier with a British accent.

they like to shoot things from boats and set them afire.  No.  Set them afire and shoot them from boats.  Shoot the boats with fire and set it to music. Set fire, shoot boats, play music and eat copious amounts of fried beef.  Employ ancient Chinese techniques now guarded by gas station outlet malls and blast Lee Greenwood.

My assistant says to call them Fireworks.  Everyone knows what Fireworks are.  Three year olds have a better understanding of arson than I.

While some of my colleagues believe that to engage in such activities near forests and homes is environmentally irresponsible–

My assistant asks how many ecological impact studies were conducted before lasering “AND THEY HAVE A PLAN” into the Rocky Mountains.

we have reached the conclusion that certain segments of the population are unusually attached to their fireworks.  And guns.  And fireworks in the shape of guns.  And freedom in the form of fried potato sticks.  And fried sugary drinks.  Plus they are sparkly.  We would be remiss if we did not admit our appreciation for sudden bursts of joy and exuberation to celebrate historic victories.  Why, back on our planet we celebrate each year the taming of the great Skreekagog with an attempted ceremonial sacrifice of our ill favored young.  The young that survive receive the present of 10 years hard labor in our salt mines.

My assistant tells me that no one cares.  And also “Oh my god that is a terrible, terrible story and in no way related to the way that we honor the sacrifice of many, the brave acts of our forefathers, and our desire for the equality of all people even if we sometimes make mistakes and misinterpret our past in a way to manipulate the present for our own selfish gain.”

Whatever.  To each his own.

Announcement: I am need of new assistant.  One that is not allergic to bullets.  And is also flame retardant.  Apply posthaste.

Photo by Timothy Hamilton

Our scientists tell us that fireworks appear whenever two humans prepare to mate. We are uncertain if this is due to the release of combustible chemicals during the courtship ritual, or rather if the fireworks themselves inspire sudden amourisity in all who view them. We suggest you not look overlong at the fireworks lest you become suddenly overcome with child.

Every Conversation Bill Pullman Has Today

Hey Bill, you know what today is, right?

-July 4th

Yeah, but you know what day it is, right?

-July 4th. Day after July 3rd, day before July 5th. It is the fourth day in the 7th month of the year 2011. It is Monday.

~

Hey Bill, do they have a fourth of July in England?

-Yes. They have a fourth of July everywhere–though they may express it in different languages. For example, in France it is 4 juillet.

Yeah, but do they celebrate it?

-They celebrate every day they are alive, my good sir. The French have quite the joie de vivre.

~

Hey Bill, would you like to borrow this microphone?

-Not particularly

Are you sure? It’s a really loud one–the entire air force could hear you.

-Wow, that’s a really loud microphone.

Yes–in fact, I believe they could hear you in space with this microphone. This is the largest aerial microphone in the history of mankind.

-Then you should probably be careful; I’d wager you could do some damage with it.

Damn straight–we’re not going quietly into anything with this baby.

-No I’m serious, the mechanisms of the inner ear are very sensitive. Repeated exposure to loud noises can cause damage to the tiny hairs inside your ear resulting in temporary to permanent hearing loss. An air raid siren at 120 decibels can cause enough noise trauma to incur damage after only 7.5 minutes of exposure. It would be an insult most foul to any and all audiophiles should I dare to avail myself of such a thing.

~

Hey Bill!

-Dammit people I did other films too–

May the schwartz be with you!

-Oh. Okay. Thanks.

And also, here’s your fighter jet. I know how you want to be with your men in the air in order to show your complete and total disregard for government protocol in the name of camaraderie and pageant leadership thereby further endangering your men as they focus a little less on keeping their ships out of the range of enemy fire and a little more on making sure their last attractive leader doesn’t get his ass handed to him by aliens who haven’t spent he last 10 years sitting behind a desk instead of in a cockpit.

-I hate you all.

Goodnight Skreekagog

by Jenny

Goodnight grouse,
Goodnight house,
Goodnight skeleton of a long dead mouse.

Goodnight Teeth
it is time to sleep.
to lick your paws,
to sheathe your claws.
to put down the Vicar
and return his cigars.

I’ll brush your hair,
it is only fair,
for the aliens you’ve kept
from here and there.

Dream of conquest
and far off wars
dream of sleeping
in bone lined drawers.

You’ve grown so big
since I’ve seen you last.
I do believe
you’ve quintupled in mass.

Have you been eating
a dozen wild hogs?
The lost zoo penguins?
Trucks of logs?

Do I need to remind you
of your solemn vow—
oh don’t look at me like that
yes I very well will scowl.

You’ve dined on trains,
on alien hordes,
You would scarcely fit
between opposing fjords.

So goodnight skreekagog,
wherever you sleep,
sweet dreams to those crushed beneath pittering pattering feet.

Elevator Pitches for Fall Sitcoms, featuring Aliens

The Scene: A swanky Hollywood office with a view of the ocean.

–Can you see the ocean from Hollywood?

I don’t know

–Because we strongly believe in realism

Is that so?

–About stuff we know about

Which is?

–Shut up.

Anyway, so it’s a Hollywood office, there are 3 aliens

–Why 3?

Because 3 is the answer to everything now shut up!

–Whatever

So the aliens are roommates…

–Is this Lovecraft meets Three’s Company?

…No

–Are you sure?  Cause I don’t know how Cthulhu would keep track of things like rent collection and basic household maintenance.

Fine, you don’t like it, lets try the next.  The scene: a lawyer’s office–

–You have a thing for offices, it seems.

And there are doctors next door.  And they’re all–

–Roommates?

…The scene: vast reaches of space.  A vast federation of explorers–

–Who are roommates?

Werewolves!  That live in the forest!

–All together in a pack?

–…

How about we just do “Jersey Shore: Alpha Centauri”

–Isn’t Alpha Centauri completely and totally inhospitable to human life even if that life has been completely and utterly irradiated by tiny cancer boxes?

Yes.

–Sold!

The Wal-Mart at 4 AM

In the parking lot, they gathered.  The young nautili, the admirals and ambassadors. Octopodes and squid pods.  Skreekagogs and zimpahpahs.  The battle-worn, the Colorodian evicted and the fresh recruits straight off the ship.

This is it, they whispered.

This is Wal-Mart.

It was not as grand as they expected.  Pop tents and FEMA trailers abounded.  Wood pilings and aluminum scraps, warped and pitted from years of neglect cluttered the “Please Return Your Cart” stalls.  Doors had fallen off their hinges, doors had fallen away from their hinges, and the hinges themselves filed single file to march themselves to the beach.  Even the lone security guard, making his rounds in the camo-colored golf cart maintained an air of disdainful ennui.

This is Wal-Mart?

Undaunted they pushed through the doors to find young blondes in blue bibs.

“Welcome,” the greeters said in unison.  “Welcome to the Wal-Mart.  Can we help you find anything in the Wal-Mart?  Is this your first time?  Some may find the Wal-Mart overwhelming but we are here to make sure your experience is a joyous one.  Welcome,” they said again.  “Welcome to the Wal-Mart.”

“Where are your nuclear vessels?” the Admiral asked.

“Welcome,” the girl on the left said.  “Aisle six?” said the one on the right.

“Do you have pop-tarts?” a young nautilus asked.

“Aisle six?” the girl on the left said.  “Chocolate is my favorite,” said the one on the right.

The aliens split into groups.  Each with his or her or its own list of items and sundries, camping supplies and foul weather gear.  One family became hopelessly distracted by the $1 to $5 dollar aisle, filling each of their baskets with cowboy stickers and princess mirrors.

“Who is your favorite Disney princess?” the girl on the left said.

“Ariel!”
“Belle!”

“Bambi!” said the one on the right.

All night the aliens wandered: they tried on snuggies and hopped on bouncy balls.  They rearranged the books by publishing house, the Blu-Rays by color, and the music CDs they left completely and utterly alone.

They paid cash for some items, in trade for others.  One Wal-Mart checker ended his shift with enough Skreekagog eggs to feed and/or terrorize a small city in Alaska.

“When do you close?” the Admiral asked.

“Welcome to the Wal-Mart” the girl on the left said.  “Welcome to the Wal-Mart,” said the one on the right.

The aliens gathered in a loose circle.

“You must close.” The Admiral said.  “When is that?”

“Welcome to the Wal-Mart,” the girls said.  “Can we help you locate the Wal-Mart?”

I’ve heard of this, the aliens whispered.  It’s syndrome.  It has a name.  Watch this:

“Take us to your leader,” an alien demanded.

“You are here,” the girl on the left said.  “This is the freezer section,” said the one on the right.

I think I saw a South Park episode about this, they whispered.

“The South Park was wise,” the girl on the left said.

The aliens laughed and tossed them grapes.  They pointed and chuckled their alien laughs.  They are so addled, so confused.

“When should we leave?” the Admiral tried again.  “We can’t shop indefinitely.”

Some aliens disagreed, rattling their baskets in chorus.

“Welcome to the Wal-Mart” the girl on the left said.  “Months ago,” said the one on the right.

“Months ago,” said the one on the left.

New York Times Bestseller List 6/19, Excerpts

COMBINED PRINT & E-BOOK FICTION

1. SIGNS, THE NOVEL, by Sigourney Carter
2. INDEPENDENCE DAY, THE NOVEL, by Sigourney Carter
3. HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE, by J.K. Rowling
4. HARRY POTTER AND THE MONSTERS FROM MARS, by J.K. Rowling
5. LOVE IN THE TIME OF INVASION, by James Frey

Complete List » [Redacted]

COMBINED PRINT & E-BOOK NONFICTION

1. BOSSYPANTS, by Tina Fey
2. THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE, by Max Brooks*
3. TALK THE TALK, UPDATED, by Luc Reid
4. BRING GUNS: A GUIDE TO BUNKER LIVING, by Author Unknown
5. KNITS, CRAFTS, AND TREEHOUSES, by Chelsea Grant

*NY Times Editor’s Note: Because we don’t fucking know anymore
Complete List » [Redacted]

HARDCOVER FICTION

1. LOVE IN THE TIME OF INVASION, by James Frey
2. ANITA KILLS THINGS, by Laurell K. Hamilton
3. BEFORE I OFFER MYSELF TO THE BIRDMEN, by Alexander Lumans
4. JESUS VS. THOR, by James Woods
5. THE TAXIDERMIST’S OTHER WIFE AND STORIES, by Kelly Barnhill

Complete List » [Redacted]

HARDCOVER NONFICTION

1. MORE GUNS AND ALSO POSSIBLY ZOMBIES, by Pinckney Benedict
2. VERSUS: POLITICAL DISCOURSE AND PLANS FOR OUR FUTURE (EXCERPTS FROM THE FIFTH ALASKAN CONVENTION) , edited by Josh Woods
3. FROGS, SKINLESS WOMEN AND OTHER DREAM IMAGERY: ESCAPE YOUR LIFE AND IMPROVE YOUR FICTION, by Renee Evans and Rachel Furey

Complete List » [Redacted]

CHILDREN’S PICTURE BOOKS

1. ALPHAOOPS: THE DAY Z WENT FIRST, by Alethea Kontis
2 ALPHAOOPS: P IS FOR PROTECTOR, O IS FOR OVERLORD by Alethea Kontis
3. ALPHAOOPS: R IS FOR THE RESISTANCE, by Alethea Kontis
4. ALPHAOOPS: H IS FOR HALLOWEEN, by Alethea Kontis
5. GOODNIGHT SKREEKAGOG, by Jenny

Complete List » [Redacted]

Colorado Will Rise Again… When it Feels Like It

A Chronology of Events Leading Up To This Date On Which We Now Post

April 15 – The Alien Protectors, in an attempt to reunionize the union, deploy a diplomatic mission to the Free States of Colorado

April 18 – The Diplomatic Mission to the Free States of Colorado eats the Mayor of Denver

April 19 – The Diplomatic Mission to the Free States of Colorado is evicted by a Ladies Book Club (don’t mess with Oprah’s Book Club)

April 20 – A new Diplomatic Mission is sent to the Free States of Colorado, headed by Oprah Winfrey.  They apologize to the Ladies Book Club and everyone gets a new car.

April 21 – The Ladies Book Club sells all the cars and pools their money to buy a small island in the Caribbean to which they relocate immediately.  The Free States of Colorado are now defenseless.

April 23 – Oprah decides she would like to be the new mayor of Denver.  She becomes the new mayor of Denver.  Nobody denies Oprah. Nobody.

April 23, later that day – The Alien Protectors send a new Diplomatic Mission.

April 23, later that night – They can’t say no to Oprah either.

April 24 – The Alien Protectors give up on Denver.

April 25 – 58 Diplomatic Missions are dispatched to the surrounding townships, fellowships, and book clubs in the state.

April 26 – They wander around, quite lost.  “We are your new rulers,” they shout into the wilderness.  “Bow before us and bring us shrubberies!”

April 28 – Still, the Diplomatic Missions go largely unnoticed.

April 29 – A bemused Velociraptor submits to Diplomatic Mission #29 with the severed testicles of a Triceratops (an insult to any well versed in Velocriraptor culture, it goes unappreciated by DM 29)

April 29 – A new commander in the Alien forces reminds the Diplomatic Missions that they should ensure that they are in the same quantum time-flux continuum as the humans.

April 30 – The 47 of the original 58 missions return to the present.  They post signs on Costco billboards and camp in libraries.

May 2 – Still, they are largely ignored.

May 8 – “We need a sign that we are serious!” says one.  “Something that will send them quaking in their boots and eager to turn against their neighbors.”

May 8 -10 – The Diplomatic Missions argue about the sign

May 11 – A sign is chosen.

May 11 – It is rejected by the International Supreme Court of Awesome Justice for being “extreme”.  The Diplomatic Missions argument that extremism was the “[redacted] point” is dismissed as being factually irrelevantzied by legally precluded procedures and “stuff”.

May 11 – 15 – The Diplomatic Missions argue about another sign.

May 16 – Another sign is chosen.

May 17 – 20 – The sign is painted in really big letters, strung to an airplane that will criss-cross the Colorado skies.

May 21 – The first dozen planes crash due to the weight of the sign.  It too, is scrapped.

May 22 – Someone suggests that maybe Colorado really isn’t worth it.

May 23 – That someone is gutted, skinned, and his entrails used for skreekagog ball and string toys.

May 24 – That someone was the wrong someone and a new argument ensues about which someones aren’t “pulling their weight” in the invasion.  I mean mission.  I mean peaceful outpouring of love and devotion to other species worthy of recognition and protection.

May 25 – Boulder’s favorite flirt, Laura Adams, celebrates her 108th birthday with a town-wide Chili Cook Off!

May 26 – Diplomatic Mission 14 comes in second place in the Boulder Chili Cook Off.  In the even that the winner, Laura Adams, cannot complete her duties as reigning Chili Cooker of the Year, then Diplomatic Mission 14 will take her place.

May 27 – Laura Adams is admitted to the hospital with suspicious bruising around her throat.

May 28 – Laura Adams accuses Diplomatic Mission 14 of attempted murder.

May 29 – Diplomatic Mission 14 emphatically denies this allegation.

May 30 – A settlement is reached.  Diplomatic Mission 14 and Laura Adams will *share* the duties held by Chili Cook-off crown winner.

June 12 – The Diplomatic Missions are gently reminded by their Alien protector leaders that they were supposed to bring Colorado under control, not wander the state in roving chili bands.

June 13 – The Diplomatic Missions threaten the states of Colorado with a remake of Red Dawn.

June 13 – Colorado capitulates and submits totally and completely and doesn’t just say so in the name of appeasing a bunch of cephalapod nincompoops who think that shrubberies are a good and proper form of homage.  Colorado is full of [redacted] giant [redacted] mother[redacted] trees.  If that’s all you really [redacted] wanted we could have saved a [redacted]load of time.

Anti-Alien Bill

By wire report

The semi-Free States of Colorado passed a bill today banning “illegal aliens”.  A spokesman for the state legislature stated that illegal aliens are “a threat to our security, our livelihood, and our national culture.”

The bill, which passed by a 37 to 2 vote, declares that all illegal aliens currently living in the state of Colorado will be detained indefinitely until such time as they can be deported.  It charges the state’s police force and national guard to enforce the bill.

Critics of the bill point out that the language is ambiguous as to the term “alien”.

“Do they mean like, Mexicans?  Or like, the big squid things?” local farmer Ted Barron questioned.

This is not the first anti-alien bill the Colorado state legislature has passed.  In the weeks following the invasion Colorado passed many measures aimed at curbing the influence of our new, benevolent neighbors.  Though many were later struck down by the Supreme Tribunal of Justice, the hardy legislators keep on trying.

WOLVERINES!