Landmark Case Changes Definition of “Adverse” Possession

A decision from the Great Protector’s Supreme Tribunal of Justice will have sweeping effects on property law in Section 12, formerly known as the United States. The Tribunal declared that Janet White and Angela Baker, who took possession of a new bunker by kicking out the former tenant, have a legal claim to the property. John Newman, the displaced bunkerowner, sued the two women after repeated attempts at repossession failed. White and Baker claimed that they now own the bunker under the theory of adverse possession.

Prior to the arrival of our Protectors, adverse possession only transferred ownership of a property after new occupants had been there for a specified amount of time, usually around ten years. “Adverse” simply meant that the previous owner did not approve of the new residents, usually because he or she didn’t know about them. Today’s ruling holds that “adverse” can mean openly hostile, even violent, to the former owner.

“Transfers of ownership are made automatically when a new occupant proves herself or himself superior to the former occupant by taking possession of the property in question,” said the Tribunal. “The methods employed in taking possession may include violence.”

Bobbie Pratt, of Pratt & Witt, LLP, served as defense attorney for White and Baker. “This holding is in keeping with the laws of the interstellar empire of which Earth is now fortunate enough to be a member,” said Pratt. “We are grateful that the Tribunal is bringing our world in line with their system of true justice that rewards strength, independence, and social utility.” Neither Newman nor his attorney, Adam Blackacre, could be located for comment.

The Tribunal denied rumors that it ruled against Mr. Newman because of his cousin Abe’s recent news posts. The Tribunal and the Council of Protectors urge citizens not to believe, repeat, or otherwise further these allegations.

White and Baker are currently seeking a third roommate. Their ad can be found on Craigthazar’s List.

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Passive Voice Conquers Earth

By Abe Newman

I would like to note that news of my execution has been greatly exaggerated. But what else can you expect from overlord-controlled press?

It is fair to say that mistakes were made. Memos were sent. Spaceships were toured. Meetings were held. Concessions were made. Journalists were forced into hiding and have to publish their stories using a DIAL UP INTERNET CONNECTION.

We need to wake up, people!!! ALIENS INVADED EARTH! Subject, verb, object. We got slammed by active voice and there wasn’t a damn thing any institution, organization, United Democratic Republican States of MY ASS could do about it!!!

I would like to VERB some alien NOUN with my bare hands!* WHO’S WITH ME???

*and possibly a weapon of some kind

Lost Pet!!

Lost Skreekagog!! Please help find beloved pet.

Purple and gray striped skreekagog missing since last night. Responds to the name Admiral Fluffybutt (if it feels like it). May be biting you.

REWARD!! $50 in cash or comparable value in rubber cement rations. Or payment for medical treatment (up to $50).

Please contact Jenny at Human Housing Unit 2047 if you have any information.

Craigthazar’s List: Roomates

We are two human females seeking a neat, non-smoking, human for the third bunk in our doomsday bunker. Males welcome to apply, but please understand that we will not be interested in “repopulating the planet” with you. Ever.

Rent: 1 gallon gasoline & 1 lb consumable foodstuffs / month

Utilities: none (not “none included” – there just aren’t any utilities)

Features: smoothish concrete floors and walls, all steel tables, chairs, and plates, and THREE bare light bulbs create that stark, post-apocalyptic feel you’ve been looking for! Bunks are almost 5 FEET LONG!! If you would like a tour of our luxurious bunker, wait by ruins of the Styrofoam Jesus, blindfolded, at 12:35am any Wednesday in months containing the letter r. We look forward to meeting you!

Human Wins First PETA Short Story Contest

A human has won PETA’s first short story contest with the story “Jenny Gets A Pet.” PETA awarded the story first prize for its positive portrayal of the Skreekabog and pet rescue. The author would like the clarify that, as per her agreement with PETA, all characters in the story should be read as vegetarians or vegans. Jenny was not trying to eat the Skreekabog.

As per their agreement with our off-world “protectors,” PETA will choose a “protector” for its next and all future winners.

Congratulations!

Reporter Abe Newman Reported Missing

By Editorial Staff of One World News

One World News is sad to report the disappearance of reporter Abe Newman. The paper would also like to take this opportunity to recant the story published earlier by Newman making false allegations against the United Nations and our friendly off-world collaborators. These insidious lies were only published because Newman hacked the paper’s website. Again, the Editorial staff denies all knowledge of Newman’s work. The views expressed in that article are not the views of One World News, its Editorial staff, affiliates, and/or subsidiaries.

Newman, 31, was rumored to be an alcoholic and a drug addict, and a compulsive liar. He was only kept on staff at the News out of the goodness of our loyal hearts and not, again, because we espouse his radical, rabble-rousing views. The Editorial staff has also received unconfirmed but probably true reports that Newman put the carton back in the fridge after drinking the last of the milk.

We will continue to search for our lost colleague, but just in case we don’t find him, a memorial service is being planned for Sunday at the One Church on Main Street. Luncheon to follow.

High-Ranking Official Admits: UN Encourgaed Invasion

by Abe Newman

A high-ranking official at the United Nations, who asked not to be named due to the delicate nature of the information, has admitted that the UN encouraged the alien invasion in an effort to unite the fractured governments of the world. Taking the advice of political realists and abandoning their traditional adherence to institutionalism, the UN secretly fed information to the alien overlords about Earth’s defenses and nuclear programs.

The anonymous official admits that the UN assumed that the world would unite against a common external threat, and that they could count on the United States to fight off the bad guys if all else failed.

“It worked in all the movies,” the official explained. “Haven’t you ever seen an inspiring science fiction film where white people and Will Smith save the world and unite us in a common fight against extraterrestrials? How were we supposed to know it wouldn’t actually work out that way?”

Though the United States did lead the resistance against the aliens, as it has traditionally led the resistance against the international community, the fractured Republican party could not form a Tea Party / Old School coalition, and nobody wanted to pay enough taxes to get anything done. The Democrats, as expected, could only succeed in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

And now, here we are. A world divided against itself, separated into camps of collaborators and resistance fighters, while the massive ships of our gracious “protectors” glide across the sky. But hey, at least we have multi-national resistance camps!

Personals

Overlord Seeking Human

Generous Overload with access to food and alcohol rations seeks young, attractive human female for companionship AND MORE. Must be at least 5’7″ and not prone to panic attacks. Must not have been a member of Earth for Earthlings in the past 12 months. Rigorous background check required. Looking forward to meeting you!

*

Human Seeking Human

Female human seeking human companionship. Non-stupid, non-ugly, non-alien.

*

Human Seeking Alien

Human male with no history of subversive behavior seeks alien “friend” (emphasis on quotation marks) with spare room in his/her/its spaceship seriously anywhere that is not my mother’s basement for the love of galaxies I will bake you cookies FRESH BAKED COOKIES!