Dear Human Female

Dear Human Female Seeking Non-Ugly Male For CompanionShip

I am non-stupid, non-ugly male of species other than specified in your previous ad I saw released in the last paper I received this morning delivered to me by post.

I have been told I am very agreeable for a non-human.  I am pleasing to look at.  I am pleasing to smell at.  I am pleasing to make good companionship with you.

On my home planet I was very sexy son of Overlord prince.  That makes me an Overlord prince prince.  My father has been jailed these last two millenniums and his accounts have been frozen.  That is why I have come to Earth: to seek beautiful human woman to share beautiful, sexy life with.  Once we are married my father’s accounts will be unfrozen and we may spend our non-ugly honeymoon circling the moons of Jupiter.  We shall make love basking on the sands of Pluto, our alien technology will encase your form like a silken glove as I comb your hair with my fingers.

I mean tentacles.

I mean arms.

I mean whatever the aliens have.

Fuck.

Okay.  So I’m not an alien, and I’m not a prince but I am non-alien.  I’m just not non-ugly.  Can we still be friends?

Please?

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Personals

Overlord Seeking Human

Generous Overload with access to food and alcohol rations seeks young, attractive human female for companionship AND MORE. Must be at least 5’7″ and not prone to panic attacks. Must not have been a member of Earth for Earthlings in the past 12 months. Rigorous background check required. Looking forward to meeting you!

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Human Seeking Human

Female human seeking human companionship. Non-stupid, non-ugly, non-alien.

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Human Seeking Alien

Human male with no history of subversive behavior seeks alien “friend” (emphasis on quotation marks) with spare room in his/her/its spaceship seriously anywhere that is not my mother’s basement for the love of galaxies I will bake you cookies FRESH BAKED COOKIES!