Colorado Will Rise Again… When it Feels Like It

A Chronology of Events Leading Up To This Date On Which We Now Post

April 15 – The Alien Protectors, in an attempt to reunionize the union, deploy a diplomatic mission to the Free States of Colorado

April 18 – The Diplomatic Mission to the Free States of Colorado eats the Mayor of Denver

April 19 – The Diplomatic Mission to the Free States of Colorado is evicted by a Ladies Book Club (don’t mess with Oprah’s Book Club)

April 20 – A new Diplomatic Mission is sent to the Free States of Colorado, headed by Oprah Winfrey.  They apologize to the Ladies Book Club and everyone gets a new car.

April 21 – The Ladies Book Club sells all the cars and pools their money to buy a small island in the Caribbean to which they relocate immediately.  The Free States of Colorado are now defenseless.

April 23 – Oprah decides she would like to be the new mayor of Denver.  She becomes the new mayor of Denver.  Nobody denies Oprah. Nobody.

April 23, later that day – The Alien Protectors send a new Diplomatic Mission.

April 23, later that night – They can’t say no to Oprah either.

April 24 – The Alien Protectors give up on Denver.

April 25 – 58 Diplomatic Missions are dispatched to the surrounding townships, fellowships, and book clubs in the state.

April 26 – They wander around, quite lost.  “We are your new rulers,” they shout into the wilderness.  “Bow before us and bring us shrubberies!”

April 28 – Still, the Diplomatic Missions go largely unnoticed.

April 29 – A bemused Velociraptor submits to Diplomatic Mission #29 with the severed testicles of a Triceratops (an insult to any well versed in Velocriraptor culture, it goes unappreciated by DM 29)

April 29 – A new commander in the Alien forces reminds the Diplomatic Missions that they should ensure that they are in the same quantum time-flux continuum as the humans.

April 30 – The 47 of the original 58 missions return to the present.  They post signs on Costco billboards and camp in libraries.

May 2 – Still, they are largely ignored.

May 8 – “We need a sign that we are serious!” says one.  “Something that will send them quaking in their boots and eager to turn against their neighbors.”

May 8 -10 – The Diplomatic Missions argue about the sign

May 11 – A sign is chosen.

May 11 – It is rejected by the International Supreme Court of Awesome Justice for being “extreme”.  The Diplomatic Missions argument that extremism was the “[redacted] point” is dismissed as being factually irrelevantzied by legally precluded procedures and “stuff”.

May 11 – 15 – The Diplomatic Missions argue about another sign.

May 16 – Another sign is chosen.

May 17 – 20 – The sign is painted in really big letters, strung to an airplane that will criss-cross the Colorado skies.

May 21 – The first dozen planes crash due to the weight of the sign.  It too, is scrapped.

May 22 – Someone suggests that maybe Colorado really isn’t worth it.

May 23 – That someone is gutted, skinned, and his entrails used for skreekagog ball and string toys.

May 24 – That someone was the wrong someone and a new argument ensues about which someones aren’t “pulling their weight” in the invasion.  I mean mission.  I mean peaceful outpouring of love and devotion to other species worthy of recognition and protection.

May 25 – Boulder’s favorite flirt, Laura Adams, celebrates her 108th birthday with a town-wide Chili Cook Off!

May 26 – Diplomatic Mission 14 comes in second place in the Boulder Chili Cook Off.  In the even that the winner, Laura Adams, cannot complete her duties as reigning Chili Cooker of the Year, then Diplomatic Mission 14 will take her place.

May 27 – Laura Adams is admitted to the hospital with suspicious bruising around her throat.

May 28 – Laura Adams accuses Diplomatic Mission 14 of attempted murder.

May 29 – Diplomatic Mission 14 emphatically denies this allegation.

May 30 – A settlement is reached.  Diplomatic Mission 14 and Laura Adams will *share* the duties held by Chili Cook-off crown winner.

June 12 – The Diplomatic Missions are gently reminded by their Alien protector leaders that they were supposed to bring Colorado under control, not wander the state in roving chili bands.

June 13 – The Diplomatic Missions threaten the states of Colorado with a remake of Red Dawn.

June 13 – Colorado capitulates and submits totally and completely and doesn’t just say so in the name of appeasing a bunch of cephalapod nincompoops who think that shrubberies are a good and proper form of homage.  Colorado is full of [redacted] giant [redacted] mother[redacted] trees.  If that’s all you really [redacted] wanted we could have saved a [redacted]load of time.


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