Every Conversation Bill Pullman Has Today

Hey Bill, you know what today is, right?

-July 4th

Yeah, but you know what day it is, right?

-July 4th. Day after July 3rd, day before July 5th. It is the fourth day in the 7th month of the year 2011. It is Monday.

~

Hey Bill, do they have a fourth of July in England?

-Yes. They have a fourth of July everywhere–though they may express it in different languages. For example, in France it is 4 juillet.

Yeah, but do they celebrate it?

-They celebrate every day they are alive, my good sir. The French have quite the joie de vivre.

~

Hey Bill, would you like to borrow this microphone?

-Not particularly

Are you sure? It’s a really loud one–the entire air force could hear you.

-Wow, that’s a really loud microphone.

Yes–in fact, I believe they could hear you in space with this microphone. This is the largest aerial microphone in the history of mankind.

-Then you should probably be careful; I’d wager you could do some damage with it.

Damn straight–we’re not going quietly into anything with this baby.

-No I’m serious, the mechanisms of the inner ear are very sensitive. Repeated exposure to loud noises can cause damage to the tiny hairs inside your ear resulting in temporary to permanent hearing loss. An air raid siren at 120 decibels can cause enough noise trauma to incur damage after only 7.5 minutes of exposure. It would be an insult most foul to any and all audiophiles should I dare to avail myself of such a thing.

~

Hey Bill!

-Dammit people I did other films too–

May the schwartz be with you!

-Oh. Okay. Thanks.

And also, here’s your fighter jet. I know how you want to be with your men in the air in order to show your complete and total disregard for government protocol in the name of camaraderie and pageant leadership thereby further endangering your men as they focus a little less on keeping their ships out of the range of enemy fire and a little more on making sure their last attractive leader doesn’t get his ass handed to him by aliens who haven’t spent he last 10 years sitting behind a desk instead of in a cockpit.

-I hate you all.

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