Other than an attempt to corner the apocalypse escape vehicle market by Chevy, I was disappointed by the dearth of ads featuring survivalist gear in last night’s Superbowl. So I thought I’d make my own list (please play along in the comments!)
Red Dragon BP 223 SVC 100,000 BTU Weed Dragon Back Pack Propane Vapor Torch Kit With Squeeze Valve
It says Torch, but we really know what this is. Flamethrower.
First off, how cool is it that you can buy a flamethrower off Amazon? Secondly, I suggest you place your orders now. Amazon Prime is awesome but I doubt its ability to deliver in 2 business days while mutant dinosaur zombie vampires roam the earth. I imagine the ad for this project would feature its portability. Mom and Dad unloading the kids from the minivan for a day at the park. Alas, between the ice chests and picnic baskets, Mom just doesn’t have enough hands to carry her AR-15. Dad says not to worry–what are the chances that today, of all days the undead rise from their graves to feast on the living?
Oh I don’t know. Pretty damn good. And all the other families who have their Red Dragons strapped to their backs manage to live to see Kevin Costner reinstate the public mail system.
The ad should feature tanks. Tanks driving to the mall. Tanks running over a hummer. Tanks off-roading in the Mountains while velocripators frolic in the distance.
I’m pretty sure I covered these people, or someone like them in a previous post. There are also companies which will sell you emptied and abandoned missile silos. In the interest of not revealing confidential information on my or any other well prepared individual’s secret bunker plans, the ad should consist of a montage of all the classic super villain secret base montages.
Because it’s beautiful, that’s why.